Developmental Responses

(Used with permission from "Children Grieve, Too," a Centering Corporation resource.) 

 

PRE-TEENS (Ages 10-12)

Kids at this age are in between early childhood and adolescence. Friends are becoming increasingly important and kids do not want to be seen as different from everyone else. They want to be independent but know they cannot do everything on their own. Pre-Teens may fear abandonment, death of others and their own death. They worry about "adult" things such as who will care for them, who will cook, who will pay the bills, who will take them to school, etc. Kids at this age may seem withdrawn or distant, and then very close and vulnerable. They are starting to think more abstractly and may have questions about spirituality or what happens after someone dies.

Helpful Hints:

Be honest. Give as many details of the death as the child needs and wants. They are usually curious and interested. While younger kids may be satisfied with a shorter answer, pre-teens usually want to know more and understand more.

Answer questions

Explain what feelings may come

Provide a journal for writing, drawing or doodling

Offer your love, understanding and support

Involve the child as much as possible in the funeral planning

 

TEENAGERS (Ages 13-18) 

Teens are already going through a lot of changes - physical, social, emotional and cognitive changes as they transition from a child to a young adult. Friends are becoming an even greater source of support and acceptance. It's normal for teens to exhibit mood swings, become emotional or "over react" in the eyes of others. Then factor in the death of someone they care about and things become even more challenging. Teens contemplate their purpose, the meaning of life and what the death means for them in their own life. There is a search for identity. This is an in-between time that can be a roller coaster of emotions, actions and reactions.

Helpful Hints: 

Be honest

Tell about the death and give details

Explain what feelings may come and brainstorm about what they can do to help themselves feel better

Encourage him/her to talk to a favorite teacher, coach or relative

Say what you feel

Say what you need

Touch, pat and hug - give your love and understanding

Allow him/her to have some space but also be there (that's a difficult balance!)

Respect his/her need to have some privacy

 

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